The New Edition of Romeo and Juliet
by PrinceofCats
Summary: Romeo is the idiot the village lost, Benvolio is a band-aid weilding pansy and Juliet is really Sarah...
1. Character List

Here is a list of all the characters. It is similar to the play, but all the characters are a BIT different...

Capulet

Sampson- Servant of Capulet likes to chew fingers  
Gregory- Another servant of Capulet. Is afraid of blood  
Sarah- Everyone calls her Juliet for no apparent reason. Lives leather and candy  
Tybalt- Hot headed cousin of Sarah  
Capulet- Head of the Capulet house  
Lady Capulet- Capulet's wife  
Nurse- Really oblivious nanny to Sarah  
Peter- Servant to Nurse, Really a useless person

Montague

Abraham- Servant of Montague. Takes things literally.  
Balthazar- Romeo's servant  
Benvolio- Band-aid king of the world. Is often seen holding and offering band-aids.  
Romeo- Really dense son of Montague  
Montague- Head of the Montague house  
Lady Montague- Wife of Montague  
Mercutio- friend of Romeo and kinsman of Prince Escalus. Really temperamental.

Others

Prince Escalus- Ruler of Verona. Has REALLY big wobbly hat and speaks with a southern accent.  
Rosaline- Romeo's first love  
Paris- Loves Sarah. Is really handsome, but always wears dark clothing. Is suspected of being Count Dracula  
Musicians/Trumpet Players- Plays music that's really off tune  
Friar Laurence- Is obsessed with creating things and bringing the dead back to life. (Frankenstein)  
Friar John- Same Friar John in Robin Hood. Is summoned to Sherwood Forest.  
Apothecary- Really poor guy. Poor thing...


	2. Act I Scene i

**Disclamer: We do not own Romeo and Juliet. I have no idea who does, but it's not us.**

Act I Scene i

(_The Streets of Verona_)

Gregory and Sampson are sent to order a dozen flowers for their master, Capulet

**Gregory**- Flowers, I hate flowers. Stupid girly men.

**Sampson**- I agree, I'd rather grow something like… potatoes! drools French Fries…

Enter Abram

**Gregory**- Stop thinking of food, remember, FLOWERS! FLOW-E Ohff! runs into Abram; both fall

**Sampson**- bites thumb

**Abram**- Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

**Sampson**- I don't bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb, sir. bites thumb Owww! That hurt! bleeding

**Gregory**- just got up I- is that… blood? faints

**Abram**- glare Your friend screams like a girl.

**Gregory**- You take that back! Or duel!

They duel and Benvolio enters

**Benvolio**- Stop! all look at him I have a solution! pulls out band-aid

**All**- look at glowing bright band-aid

**Abram**- It's quite blinding.

**Benvolio**- grin Yes, yes it is.

Enter Tybalt

**Tybalt**- runs in and trips over cape

**Benvolio**- Oh! Do you need a band-aid? holds up band-aid

**Tybalt**- How dare a Montague offer help to a Capulet! I challenge thee to a duel!

They fight and officer and citizens enter

**Officer**- Break them up! Down with the Capulets! Down with trampled by Prince's horse

Enter Prince Escalus with off-key trumpets

**Prince**- adjusts large, obscure hat Hey y'all!

Now, all y'all have to lissen-up! AH don't want eny mor fights in this here town of Veerona. Ye'all hear? And the next folk to disturb da peace will be punished! You, Capulet, come o'er here, and Montague, you are to see me later. Mark my word… is interrupted by off-key trumpets

**Trumpet Player #1**- Hey, how many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**Trumpet Player #2**- Ten! Four to figure out how to unscrew it, four to put it back in and one to keep them paying attention!

**Trumpet Player #1**- smacks Trumpet Player #2 upside the head That's nine, stupid!

**Prince**- wobbles under huge hat Ye better be there and don't ye'll forget now.

Exit all but Benvolio, who is handing out band- aids. Enter Montague and Lady Montague

**Montague**- Give me my long sword!

**Lady Montague**- I'll give you a crutch.

**Benvolio**- Idiots, the fight is over; you're late! And, anyway, those are the Capulet's lines. Where are they anyway?

Cut scene showing Capulet making a daisy chain

Oh, never mind… anyway, you're supposed to be talking about Romeo.

**Montague and Lady Montague**- Oops, sorry.

**Montague**- Ahem starts choking

**Lady Montague**- O, where is Romeo? Where did he go?

**Benvolio**- Hmm, dunno.

**Lady Montague**- GLARE

**Benvolio**- Uhh, I saw him walking toward the forest? Yeah, he, uh, wanted to pick some flowers… plucks at band-aids nervously

**Montague**- recovers Oh yes, I think he's depressed.

**All**- gives him a weird look

**Montague**- Err, he planted a flower and it wilted, so he's really sad.

**Benvolio**- I'll teach him how to be a gardener! prances around

**Montague**- Yeah, he can't garden for beans (Pun intended). Brown Thumb he is. bites thumb

**Benvolio**- Nooo! gives Montague a band-aid

**Montague**- Well, must be going. Good luck finding Romeo.

Exit Montague and his wife

**Benvolio**- Hmph, how do they expect me to find- runs into Romeo

**Benvolio**- Hey, wadda ya know? It's ROMEO! gives Romeo a hug

**Romeo**- screams and hides in bushes What do you want from me?

**Benvolio**- I just wanted to tell you… suspense HOW TO GARDEN! dun dun dunn

**Romeo**- hides I can't even grow a flower! starts crying

**Benvolio**- It's ok. I can't even grow weeds.

**Romeo**- snickers

**Benvolio**- Come, and I'll show you how to be an expert gardener!

Exuent


	3. Act I Scene ii

Act I Scene ii

(Enter Paris and Capulet)

Paris- Hello, Zir Capulet!

Capulet- Whadda ya want?

Paris- Well, I suppose zere's no reason to beat around the coffin… I vant to suck Juliet's blood, I mean, take her hand in marriage!

Capulet- (angrily) If you wish to marry her hand you'll have to marry the whole thing!

Paris- (sulks) That's vhat I meant, you old mortal!

Capulet- Well… Ok then! Hmm… (looks at paper in his hand) Where did this come from? (hands it to servant) Here, take this and find the people on the list, might as well invite them to a tea party.

(Servant runs off)

Paris- (slaps Capulet) Come back to the situation at hand! I vant to marry Juliet!

Capulet- Ahh! You broke my hip!

(Enter Benvolio – with trumpet fanfare)

Benvolio- (covered in dirt) I have BAND-AIDS! (holds up glowing band-aid)

Capulet and Paris- Ah! My eyes! (covers eyes)

Benvolio- They're multicolored!

Do you want pink?

fuchsia?

chartreuse?

Or, how about… Puce!

(takes out band-aid)

Capulet- Uh… I must… go tell Juliet about the proposal! (limps away)

Paris- I…I don't have an exxcusssse… (flies off)

Benvolio- Soft! Come back! (runs after Paris with a butterfly net)

(Meanwhile, with the servant)

Servant- Hey! You there with the long face and funny pants, could you read this to me?

Romeo- Fine! (sighs and reads letter out loud)

Servant- (takes back list when Romeo is done) Gee, thanks! Hey, you wanna come to the party?

Benvolio- I don't know if we should…

Servant- There'll be rum!

Romeo and Benvolio- We'll be there!

(Exeunt)


	4. Act I Scene iii

Act I Scene iii

_Capulet's House_

(Lady Capulet, playing Harvest Moon on Nintendo, and Nurse)

Lady Capulet- (distractedly) Nurse! Go fetch- (curses)- Juliet! (more cursing) Stupid game! Stupid flowers are wilting!

Nurse- I, umm, don't know where she is. (calls out door) JULIET!

Sarah- (offstage )My name's not Juliet, it's Sarah! (runs and trips down well) (sounds offstage of screams and barking)

Nurse- Hey, look, she seems busy. Let's let her be.

Sarah- Help! Lassie! Help me!

Lassie- (bark)

Sarah- Good! Go get help! (mutters to herself )Good thing the well is dry…

Lassie- (runs away and comes back with a bucket of water)

Sarah- No! Lassie, stop! (glug) STUPID DOG!

Lassie- (dumps bucket of water down well)

Sarah- Lassie, GO HOME!

(Back to Nurse and Lady Capulet)

Nurse- (sigh ) I remember when she was a wee little thing… She fell on her face once. It was funny.

Capulet- I really - (frantically mashing buttons) - don't care.

Nurse- I'll bet all my teeth Juliet is not yet fourteen. (pause) Of course, I only have four teeth.

Capulet- Juliet is thirteen.

Nurse- No, I said four teeth

Capulet- Thirteen!

Nurse- Four teeth!

Capulet- (glares at Nurse, forgetting game) Thirteen!

Nurse- FOUR TEETH!

Capulet- No! It's –

(Enter Sarah, dripping wet with miniature border collie following)

Sarah- (pant) How now? (huff) Who calls? (pant)

Capulet- Aww… I lost my game… All the flowers wilted… (clears throat) Juliet, Paris wants to marry you. What say you? He really is very handsome, like a block of wax! In fact, I would marry him, were I younger…

Sarah- First of all, my name is Sarah. You should know you gave it to me. Second, I'm only thirteen! Boys are icky!

Capulet- Whatever. (goes back to game)

Nurse- You should go to the tea party and meet him there.

Sarah- (whine) Aww, I hate parties. Dancing's dumb. I'll write a hundred page essay instead. I'll wear a scarf!

Lady Capulet- It's a flower party and we'll give you some chocolate of you go along with a leather watch.

Sarah- Oooh, chocolate! (thinks) Sure I'll go! And a NEW leather watch! I LOVE leather! (aside) I must think of ways to get out of this… I could say I was sick, or… (mutters)

Exuent


	5. Act I Scene iv

Act I Scene iv

Enter Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio and other masked people

**Romeo**- Do I have to go?

**Benvolio**- Yes, we'll force you.

**Romeo**- Darn.

**Benvolio**- How about Mercutio tells us a story? And make it a short one too.

**Mercutio**- You are a lover. Borrow Cupid's – interrupted

**Benvolio**- Noo! Not that story! Keep it G-Rated!

**Mercutio**- Ok.

**Benvolio**- Not a G-string!

**Mercutio**- Oh, darn.

**Romeo**- wide eyed innocence What's a G-string?

**Mercutio**- ahem Anyway, do you know who Queen Mab is? starts blabbering about what Queen Mab does

**All**- falls asleep

**Mercutio**- blah, blah, blah

**Romeo**- falls over Ahh! Ok Mercutio! I'll go! Just shut up!

**Mercutio**- And then Queen Mab lights along… whacked by pot

**Benvolio**- Come into the party! all follow

Exuent


	6. Act I Scene v

Act I Scene v

Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet, Juliet, Tybalt, Nurse, quests and maskers _cue Phantom of the Opera music_

**Capulet**- Welcome to my house (cough) mansion! I hope you enjoy the flowers (they cost a lot of money, fifty ducats per bunch, mind you)

**Lady Capulet**- (shows up for five minutes, then goes back into house to play nintendo)

**Capulet**- Where'd my wife go? Oh, well. (calls attention of everyone) Annnd… Introducing my graceful daughter of fourteen years… (**Lady Capulet**- yells It's thirteen! **Nurse**- No! Fourteen!) JULIET!

**Sarah- **My name is not Juliet! It's- (trips over dress)

(Music starts playing and everyone starts to dance, Benvolio, Mercutio and other masked people can be heard yelling, "Where's the rum!")

**Romeo**- (stares at Rosaline)

**First Serving Man**- Would you like some tea, sir?

**Romeo**- (continues staring)

(First Serving Man leaves and comes back with Second Serving Man)

**Both Serving Men**- Would you like some tea, sir!

**Romeo**- (drooling)

(Both leave and come back with all the serving men)

**All**- (yelling) SOME TEA, SIR!

**Romeo**- (snaps out of daze) Huh? Oh. Sure.

**First Serving Man**- Finally. Now, would you like some sugar?

**Romeo**- (leaves to dance)

**First Serving Man**- Argghhh!

**Sarah**- Ewwww! I don't want to dan- (whisked off to circle of dancing people)

**Random Swishy Lady**- Time for da dance of ze bells!

**All (Besides Sarah)**- Huzzah!

(Someone straps bells onto Sarah)

**Sarah**- Ah! Not the bells! My leather watch!

**Romeo**- (nobody goes near him because he is drooling as he stares at Rosaline)

**Benvolio**- (smacks Romeo) Wake up, you natural!

**Romeo**- (throws up hands) I'm innocent! I haven't done anything…yet.

**Random Swishy Lady**- straps bells onto Romeo

**Romeo**- Ahh! It burns uss! It burns us, precious!

**Benvolio**- (points and laughs- until Random Swishy Lady puts bells on his out-stretched arm) Darn.

(Everyone is dancing- sounds of bells, laughter, people demanding rum, and screams of agony from Romeo)

**Sarah**- (forced into circle of swishy dancing people)

**Romeo**- (forced on the outside of swishy dancing people- gets caught up in dancing and runs into Sarah)

**Sarah**- (crash) Ooff!

**Romeo**- You're pretty.

**Sarah**- Hmph! (takes another look) Hey, you're kinda cute- (trips and falls)

**Romeo**- (grabs her hand and drags her after him, runs behind pillar- shoving Rosaline out of his way in the process) We'll hide here while I confuse my undying love to you!

**Sarah**- Help! (Romeo smacks her) Ooh! (Sarah smacks Romeo with lead-filled glove)

**Romeo**- Mommy!

**Sarah**- And you were saying?

**Romeo**- (can't remember anything)

**Sarah**- (calls) Lassie! Go fetch!

**Lassie**- (runs off and comes back with a bucket of water)

**Sarah**- Good girl! (takes water and dumps it on Romeo)

**Romeo**- (sputter) You single minded girl! looks at Sarah You saved me! How can I ever thank you? kisses ground Sarah walks on

**Sarah**- Don't! Leave me be and-

**Romeo**- (kisses Sarah)

**Sarah**- Ahh! Eww! It's a sin! I have a SIN!

**Romeo**- Oops. I have to take it back (re-kisses Sarah)

**Sarah**- (sputters) Must… have… water… (stumbles off)

(Nurse runs in when Sarah runs out)

Meanwhile, back on the farm...

**Tybalt- **Gahh! That blasted Romeo!

**Capulet**- So what, he's a good boy. (unaware of where Romeo is)

**Tybalt**- I'll kill him if it's the last thing I do! (mutters) Stupid Rat.

**Capulet**- (sigh) Not in my house (cough) mansion. I don't want blood everywhere.

**Tybalt**- (clenched teeth) Must restrain myself…

**Capulet**- I might have to put a restraining order on you…

back to party

**Sarah**- (glug reaches for fourth glass of water)

**Nurse**- Juliet! (Sarah is too busy to correct her) Your mother craves a word with you!

**Romeo- **_aside_ So her name is Juliet… _to Nurse_ What is her mother?

**Nurse**- Why, you knave! It's Lady Capulet!(hurries off with Sarah who grabs yet another glass of water)

**Benvolio- **Hey, Romeo! Why dost thou look so pale?

**Romeo**- Ahh! I love mine enemy! (runs off with Benvolio following)

**Sarah**- Nurse, go ask that he-that-runs tells you his name.

**Nurse**- (runs off shouting 'Soft!')

**Sarah**- (cringes)

**Nurse**- (pant) He is Romeo Montague! The only son of your enemy!

**Sarah- **Holy cow! How _dare_ he! I'll slap him for one thing the next time I see him!

Exuent


	7. Act II Scene i

Act II Scene I

_In Capulet's orchard_

**Romeo**- Whence is Juliet?

(Enter Benvolio and Mercutio, complaining loudly about lack of booze at party, Romeo runs, jumps, crashes into wall and slumps down behind some bushes)

**Benvolio**- Romeo! Where are you?

**Mercutio**- Maybe he went home.

**Benvolio**- Aha! Good idea!

(Benvolio and Mercutio exit)

**Romeo**- Uggg… Never try to jump over fifteen-foot walls… Huh? (finds secret door hidden behind vines) Cool! (goes through)

Exuent


	8. Act II Scene ii

Act II Scene ii

(Enter Romeo)

**Romeo**-(finds rather large, blooming flower) Ah! This flower is so beautiful! A jewel resting on the cheek of night! (continues serenading flower) Sarah comes out onto balcony; (Romeo covers eyes against sudden light) But soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the East and Juliet is the _**WEST**_!... Wait… That doesn't sound right… (trys to work out poetry)

**Sarah**- Argg! I'll have that Romeo arrested!

**Romeo**- She speaks! Did she say my name? (thinks) Must get her attention somehow.

**Sarah**- O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? I need to know so I can beat you bloody with a stick!

**Romeo**- (throws rock at Sarah; rock misses)

**Sarah**- Refuse thy name!

**Romeo**- (throws another rock; misses)

**Sarah**- A rotting carcass by any other name…

**Romeo**- (sending a barrage of rocks over balcony, all but one miss)

**Sarah**- …would smell as foul- ARGH! What was that! (looks around) It must have been- THE SKY! (screams and jumps off balcony crying, "I must tell the Prince!")

**Romeo**- (Sarah runs into him in her haste) Omph!

**Sarah**- THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

**Romeo-** Calm down, my love! That was me throwing rocks!

**Sarah**- (stills and thinks) That was you? (slaps Romeo) You JERK! You canker blossom! You cur! You son of a bachelor! (goes on cursing Romeo)

**Romeo**- My ears have not yet drunk a thousand words from thine mouth… (Sarah is still cursing him) But I love you already! I think… Where did you learn all that?

**Sarah**- (realizes Romeo is still holding her hand from when she ran into him) Eww! Let me go! (runs up tree and onto balcony; starts chittering like an angry squirrel)

**Romeo**- (climbs tree and attempts to get onto balcony)

**Nurse**- JULIET!

**Sarah**- Argh! (shoves Romeo off edge of balcony) My name is Sarah! Anon! (dashes inside)

**Romeo**- Owie!

**Sarah**- (runs back outside) Oh, I'm sorry! Did I push you off the balcony? Wait. I'M NOT SORRY! (runs back inside)

**Romeo**- (at bottom of wall- sobbing because he has an owie) I'll go ask the Friar to marry us…

**Sarah**- (has run back outside but didn't hear what Romeo said) Yeah yeah, whatever. Just go away.

**Romeo**- Parting is such sweet sorrow-

**Benvolio**- (Enters) I heard screams of agony! pulls out band-aid They have Disney characters! Do you want Mickey Mouse?

Donald Duck?

Goofy?

Or how about PLUTO!

**Romeo**- (sings) We're going to the Chapel/ and we're/ going to get married/ (skips away singing and shoves Benvolio as he passes him)

Exuent


	9. Act II Scene iii

Act II Scene iii

_Friar Laurence's Cell_

(Enter Friar alone picking flowers)

**Friar**- Oooooh! Look at all the pretty flowers! (starts hauling in 'flowers') Igor! Bring me those Foxgloves and Black-Eyed Susans! (malicious laughter- thunder and lightning)

(Enter Romeo)

**Romeo**- (still singing- stubs toe on rock) Ow, ow! Errr… Good morning, father!

**Friar**- (lightning and thunder stops) Benedicite! What are you doing here?

**Romeo**- I'm gonna get married!

**Friar- (**raises eyebrows) _Really?_ When was the last time you said _that_? (thinks) Oh yes, yesterday.

**Romeo**- I'm in LOVE! (sings)

**Friar**- Yeah, whatever. What happened to Rosaline? Weren't you just pining over her?

**Romeo**- Nahh, Rosaline is as good as dead to me! I'm in love with… Juliet!

**Friar**- (sarcastically) Really? Wonder how long that'll last.

**Romeo**- I thought you didn't want me loving Rosaline.

**Friar**- I don't want you loving anyone. (_aside_) Maybe I could use him for an experiment.

**Romeo**- Oh fine, but I want to marry Juliet NOW!

**Friar- **Ok. I'll do it.

**Romeo**- Yesss! Yes, yes, yes! Be ready by tomorrow, ok?

**Friar**- Ok, I'll do it.


	10. Act II Scene iv

Act II Scene iv

_A street_

(Enter Mercutio and Benvolio)

**Mercutio**- Where the devil could Romeo be? He wasn't at his house.

**Benvolio**- Hmmm, his father didn't seem to know either.

**Mercutio**- (thinking dirty thoughts) I bet he's with Rosaline…

**Benvolio**- (ignores Mercutio) Tybalt sent him a letter of challenge, I know because I read his mail. (evil grin)

**Mercutio**- (snaps out of dirty thoughts) Ooh! I love fights!

**Benvolio**- It is for Romeo, not you. (smacks) Mercutio

**Mercutio**- Alas, poor Romeo. He's already dead: stabbed with love's first strike, heart hit by Cupid's Bow, butt with an arrow sticking out of it. He'll fall in live with the first person he see's!

**Benvolio**- Uh, Mercutio…

**Mercutio**- No! I'd take a hundred arrows for Romeo! Wait, I hope the first person he sees isn't Tybalt! That'd be bad…

**Benvolio**- Will you shut up?

**Mercutio**- Or what if he falls in love with me? (image) Ewwww.

**Benvolio- **Don't talk like that-

(Enter Romeo)

**Romeo- **Hello! Hello! Huh?

**Benvolio and Mercutio- (**runs away) Don't look at him he might fall in love with us! Romeo is GAY! (runs around in small circles screaming 'Romeo is gay!')

**Benvolio**- That's a _good_ thing. He's been soo depressed lately.

(Enter Nurse)

**Romeo**- Look! A nurse!

**Nurse**- Yeah, whatever.

**Mercutio and Benvolio**- (laughs at nurse)

**Nurse**- Juliet sent me to- (interrupted)

**Romeo**- Juliet? Ah! The love of my life!

**Nurse**- (ahem) Juliet wishes to see you and wanted to know what time was most convenient.

**Romeo**- The church! (_aside_) She must want to get married! We'll do it right away! (to Nurse) Tell her to meet me at the church this afternoon!

**Nurse**- Ok, whatever, kiddo.

(Exit Nurse)

**Romeo**- (trying to calm down) Juliet wants to marry me!

(Exuent)


	11. Act II Scene v

Act II Scene v

_Capulet's Mansion_

(Enter Sarah)

**Sarah**- Where's the Nurse?

(Enter Nurse)

**Nurse**- Here I am! I come to save the day!

**Sarah**- Sooo, what say Romeo? I'll have him arrested!

**Nurse**- He said today, this afternoon.

**Sarah**- What? So soon? Too bad I'm sending my bodyguards after him to lock him up forever! Oh well, today will be his last hour. (evil thoughts) I'll charge him on disrespect for a lady and kidnapping… (goes off rambling)

Exuent


	12. Act II Scene vi

Act II Scene vi

(Enter Friar and Romeo)

**Friar**- You may kiss the bride- (lightening flashes) It's alive! The marriage is ALIVE! (ahem) I think I'm ready now.

**Romeo**- Look! (points to ground) A random box of chocolate! (and it's only slightly smushed)

(Enter Sarah)

**Sarah**- Where's that Romeo? I'll blast him to- (sees Romeo and chocolate) Oooo, chocolate! What kind?

**Romeo**- Uhhh, dunno… (looks at box) Reese's?

**Sarah**- Yay! My fav!

**Friar**- …And do you, Sarah, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, through health and sickness, till death do you part?

**Romeo- **Ya want to WHOLE box?

**Sarah**- I do!

**Friar- (**oblivious) And Romeo, do you take Juliet to be your truthful and loyal wife?

**Sarah- (**takes chocolate sniff) Is that LEATHER? (looks at Romeo's leather jacket)

**Romeo-** Yes, I do believe so...

**Friar**- I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

**Sarah**- (has leather spasm) I LOVE the smell of LEATHER! (grabs Romeo and smells jacket) Hey, look at my leather watch!

**Friar- (**Mistakes Sarah's spasm and cues Wedding March)

**Romeo**- Uh, I have to leave now. Important meeting.

**Sarah- **NOOOO! My leather! (grabs leather jacket) Hey, what's with the wedding march? (yells to friar- You need a better bass section, like more TUBAS!)

**Romeo- (**drags Sarah away, they exit)

**Friar- **IT'S ALIVE! (exits)


	13. Act III Scene i

Act III Scene i

_Streets of Verona_

(Enter Tybalt and pose, Mercutio, Benvolio)

Tybalt- Stop yelling obscene things! You're so stupid.

Mercutio- What does obscene mean?

Benvolio- Obscene: Rude, lewd, crude, portaining to something extremly vulgar.

Mercutio- Oh...then's fight'n words!

Tybalt- Ha! I don't have time to waste on you. I'm going to fight Romeo!

(Enter Romeo singing and dancing)

Tybalt- (draws sword and levels it at Romeo) I challenge thee!

Romeo- I cannot fight you, Tybalt, I LOVE you, though I cannot say why...

Mercutio- (gasp) HE _IS_ GAY! (runs around screaming)

Romeo- (glare)

Tybalt- (pointing to Mercutio) You are loud and obnoxious! For that we must fight!

(They fight)

Romeo- No! Don't fight!

Benvolio- Too late, you should read the prompts ahead of time.

Romeo- Well, I better break it up then. (walks into brawl)

Tybalt- Why dost thou stop us?

Mercutio- Yeah, dog! What's your damage?

Romeo- You shouldn't fight! I love you all! (glows)

Tybalt- (stabs Mercutio under Romeo's arm )Oops.

Romeo- MERCUTIO!

Benvolio- (screams like a girl) My band-aids aren't big enough! (sob)

Mercutio- Tis but a scratch, though, if you look for me tomorrow you will find me a grave man.

Benvolio- (going in panic attack because his band-aids don't work)

Mercutio- Ok, now it hurts. Romeo! You killed me!

Romeo- I tried to STOP it!

Mercutio- I was killed under your arm, Romeo. (sob) (sings) Curse you! Damn you! Wh- (stops) Oh, wrong play, thats Phantom of the Opera...(ahem) A plague on both your houses!

(Crowd of Montague followers drag Mercutio off with Mercutio yelling "a plague on both your houses". Three seconds later they come back)

Crowd follower #1- Mercutio is dead.

All- (gasp)

Crowd follower #2- Yeah! Now we get to throw him in a tomb!

Romeo- Huzza, oh wait...I will kill Tybalt for what he did to Mercutio (anger)

Tybalt- (edging away) Well, I better be going now...

Romeo- (eyes glowing red and mouth frothing)

(Tybalt dashes off with Romeo and his heels)

Romeo- COME BACK AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN YOU CUR!

Tybalt- (pant) Argh! Where are my faithful followers when I need them?

(Cut scene to Montague and Capulet followers cheering, eating popcorn, and watching the Super Bowl)

Tybalt- (trips) Noo! (draws sword and hits head on rock)

(Enter followers)

Followers- (look at Tybalt) He's DEAD!

Romeo- Where'd you come from?

Followers- The Chargers beat the Lakers, so we came back...but that's beside the point. You killed Tybalt!

Romeo- I only drew my sword. I didn't even touch him!

Tybalt- (regains consciousness) I'm not dead!

Romeo-( hits Tybalt over head as he sheaths sword and knocks him back unconscious)

Benvolio- (frown) Romeo, there ain't a band-aid big enough in the world to fix this. You better run.

Romeo- But I didn't DO any-

(Enter Prince admist off-key trumpet fanfare; Romeo flees)

Prince- (gasp and hat falls over eye, hurridly replaces it) Ah do say! Who killed mah cousin?

(crowd yells all at once- "Romeo" "Tybalt" "A bird" "A plane"...)

Benvolio- I saw it all, Sir! Tybalt came to fight Romeo, but Romeo confessed his love and Tybalt slew Mercutio. Romeo got mad and he slew Tybalt!( waving arms about and pointing at random people) And then, you came along!

Crowd member #1- That makes no sense...

Crowd member #2- It doesn't matter! He's lying!

Prince- (is the only one who understands Benvolio) Romeo must be killed then...

At once-  
Crowd member #1- Yeah!

Crowd member #2- Nooooo!

Prince- Allllllrightly then! Romeo is banished! Ye'all go home now, ye hear?

(exuent crowd darkly muttering)


End file.
